Divorce and Impact on children

9 03 2009

A child cries a lot when his favorite toy was broken.  But after he cried, he will probably do something to fix it, or will ask for someone preferably his mom to help him fix it.  We all know that a mother will do everything for her child, so she will do everything just to fix it.  But once it was fixed, It won’t be the same again.  Them damage will still be there, and the child scrutinizing his repaired toy will se the markings and will cry for it again.  With his innocence and his mother’s will to stop from crying, the only solution she could think of is to buy another toy.  But is that what the child wants?

Not to compare parents from a toy, but they both complete a child’s life: to be happy, and to be nurtured.

When divorce enters into the family, it affects everyone.. and the most affected are the children.  If parents could only know what their children think:

“Can I do something, anything to change my parents’ minds?”

“What will happen to us, to our family, if this happens?”

“Is everything’s  still gonna be okay, like what they always say?”

maybe they’ll begin to think, if they made the right decision.

Can a child make these questions up in his mind, knowing that he’s only a child?  He might also think he’s the cause of all this problems, and begin to think that something’s wrong with him.

As a parent, you are obliged to explain to your child and make him understand that he’s not the reason why considered divorce as solution to your problems.  Maybe as a child, he will not fully understand the situations, but just to hear from you that he’s still loved by his parents is a big impact for him, though he will still choose his parents to be together.

And no matter what you do and convince yourself that the life of your child will not change; the effects of divorce will still be there. And if you or both of you decided to get married again, to give him a new family.. for him, he only have a pair of parents, and they cannot be replaced.

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How to start your day..

28 02 2009

when you’re going to start again?
from waking up in the morning
thinking of the past, of yesterday
of the bad memories, of good ones
then thinking of today…
what can you expect for today?
or is there anything to expect?
maybe just leave it like whatever happens, happens
better be on the safe side
than to expect and get hurt in the end
why does it have to be complicated
when it can be done nice and simple?
don’t know, maybe just thinking too much
when there’s nothing to think about
now, back to the question..
how to start your day?
still a question.





Is love is still in the air?

25 02 2009

Valentines day had passed.  Now everyone is busy at work and trying to earn again the money they used on that special day.  But, is it worth it?  Did everything ended up to something that you planned and dreamed of?  Did the air filled with love when you were together on that night? on that whole day of 14th?

Isn’t it nice to see couples holding hands while walking, eating on fine restaurants with music filled with love.  Then you can really say that “love is in the air”.  But on the other side of it, there are some couples who break and are fighting on that very special day for lovers.  For reasons that all relationships had encountered.  Maybe they still tried to fix it and be sweet like the other  couples, but just can’t be.  Anyway, you can’t hide hatred and all the emotions hanging on your head and pretend like you’re ok when it’s really not.  That maybe the idea of Valentines date just worsen the fight.

And now couples of days had passed, does the  sweet couples of Valentines day are still sweet? or become sweeter?  How does Valentines affect your relationship?  Does it makes you more open to each other, and made your relationship stronger?  Because some remained dull.  No matter how hard they try to save the relationship, it just can’t, maybe it’s better to cut it off, before it create more damage to both of them.  That maybe they can still be friends, maybe they’ll be better of friends than lovers.  Anyway, some ex-couples become friends, just as long as they had a good break up, no more hard feelings, and everything had a nice closure.

Love should not always be just on the 14th of February, or on 25th of December as they say.  Though those are special days, isn’t it better if we feel it all through the year,  and have no feeling of being so caught by the special holiday where lovers should be sweet all over and gifts given away to special someones?  Though those days just happen once a year, sometimes it’s all frustating that someone or rather everyone is expecting you of something which you cannot give.  Maybe it’s something that we just have to live with, because that’s the way it is, and we can’t do nothing to change it.  Just maybe next time, be more honest to each other, so there will be no risk of losing something.





It’s better to have love and lost…

19 02 2009

As they say, “Experience is the best teacher”.  It makes us stronger and cautious  in doing things, and on how we handle our problems.  And sometimes, it will make you a better person, and will make you aware that life is not as easy as you thought.  You cannot say how it feels until experienced it.   Though there are things which are better not to experience (i.e.  drugs), but because of curiosity and maybe leaning on the quote itself, many had tried, trying and are planning to try it.. in spite of full endorsement against it.

But love is what most of us are very cautious about.  Many had failed, but are still trying.. some wants to try it again, but becomes more careful about it.. and some don’t want to try it anymore, because of fear and hatred.  But “it’s better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all”.  Love is the most wonderful, yet the most dreadful feeling of all.  There’s a feeling of contentment when you’re with the person you love, and the wanting of time to move slow or better stop when you’re together.  But because there’s no such thing as “perfect” in this world, misunderstandings and the so called “third party” comes in a relationship, and if not handled well or if it’s really impossible to fix.. it ends to break up and hatred.

We should not be afraid of falling in love because it will just come and go.  If it did not worked on the first, then try on the second, and on the third, until you find the right one for you.  We will never know the true value of life if we don’t fall in love.  Because, admit it or not, you feel empty inside though you don’t show it outside.  There’s a destined person for each of us, we just have to be patient and open for the possibilities.

From Alfred Lord Tennyson’s poem In Memoriam:27, 1850:

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.





Spend quality time with your partner

10 02 2009

“Every relationship needs quality time for the bond to remain close and to strengthen over time. Without quality time together a couple will gradually become distant and somewhat alienated from each other.” –Darren G. Burton, “How To Keep Your Man: And Keep Him For Good”

Spending quality time with your partner is as important as keeping your diet balance. You keep your diet to keep you fit and healthy, same thing should be in a relationship. To keep your relationship healthy, you should keep the communication with your partner and at least once or twice a week to spend times alone together. But how can you do it when you have kids to look at to? And your spouse gets home at night from work, tired. Is it still possible for you and your partner to spend times together?

There are ways which have been tried and practical in a way that you don’t have to give super effort to achieve it.

Make your weekends exclusively for family

It is simply no work on weekends. Make a deal that no one will bring work at home during weekends. Weekends is suppose to be the day for relaxation and days to cope with family. You can save Saturdays as your fixed date with your partner: go out and have fun just like what you used to when you were dating before. And on Sundays is for your family. A simple picnic will do, or share popcorn or pizza while watching a movie at home, or if you have budget, going to the mall is what children would really love.

Drive to/from work together whenever you can

If both of you are working, and you have the same destinations, driving together is a good chance to talk and catch up to each other. Listening to music can start up a good talk. And try not to talk about work as long as you can.

Plan and cook meal together

You can add some spice to your relationship while cooking together. Plan to cook something that both you haven’t tried before, or try to experiment and name it after your names or your kid’s name.

It doesn’t matter how long you spend time with each other, as long as you enjoy those times that you’re together. You cannot expect your partner to give his/her full attention to you. Because beside from work, there are things a person wants to do it only by him/herself. Spending times together is important in a relationship, but doings things separately sometimes, may help your relationship grow stronger.





When you’re gone

5 02 2009
“When You’re Gone”

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I’d need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I’m alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

[Chorus]
When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

I’ve never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

[Chorus]

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I’d do, I’d give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

[Chorus]

This is one of my favorite songs from Avril.  Whenever I hear this and watch it’s video, it makes me think how hard it is to lose someone who’s been with you for a long time, and the one who made you of what you are now.  Maybe Tom Cruise’ famous line “you complete me” is true.  There are certain part of you change when you’re with that person.  And sometimes, you change not because that person told you to change or forced you to change, but you change because you want to.

Then after that life changing, making you a better person.. comes the time that that person will leave you for some reasons you don’t understand and you don’t want to understand.

But is there anything you can do about it?  To get that person back in your life?

Maybe there is still chance for you to get back together and continue what you had before.  But knowing that there is no chance of getting back no matter how hard you try, will totally make you incomplete at the moment.  But life must still go on..  so you have no other way but forward, and move on (like what they always say).





The Importance of Family Communication

31 01 2009

“Families are all about communication and compromise” –  Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P

How often does your family communicate?  Do you talk about your everyday experiences and checks how are each other?  Or just simple hey what’s up? I’m ok.. end of discussion..  or worst, none?

Many families are experiencing lack of communication, although they all live together but they don’t often talk to each other.  How does this happen?  Are they invisible to each other, or they just don’t know how to speak up and open a communication?  For a kid having this family is not healthy for him. He become hesitant to talk about his problems for example in school; when he has a failing grade and his parents are needed to talk to the principal for their child’s performance.  Teenagers however, may no longer ask for his parent’s attention and rather he’ll just seek it to his friends.  He may be lucky enough to have good friends around him or badly as he could be involved with alcohol, tobacco and/or illegal drugs.

It is important to keep the lines of communication open in a family.  Start a good communication on the dining table.  Eating dinner together is the best time and place to communicate and reconnect to each other.  You can talk about each others’ favorite part or biggest challenge of the day.  Or maybe you can make it something playful like “If you would be any super hero, what would you be and why? “.. which could only work for kids below 12 ( imagine if you asked that to your teenage kid ).  And when it comes to teenagers, it will be a little bit hard for you to talk to them especially on the boyfriend/girlfriend issue.  But just let them know that you’re always there to listen and ready to help them on their problems.

Good communication skills in a family may build self-esteem, because a child learns of his capabilities from what his family tells him of himself.  But not in a way that you’ll give comments like “you’re good”, “you’re wonderful”, “you’re perfect”.. and don’t say he’s perfect because he might just answer you back like “isn’t it, nobody’s perfect?” ( children are much intelligent these days ).  Rather, be a nurturing parent, which build self confidence and point out his skills and strengths that will make him aware of his worth.

Your relationship with your family will be stronger if you start opening a good communication today.